…The Last Letter


It has been more than 14 months that we “mutually” broke up. A relationship that was supposed to last for a life time ended precipitately. In this letter I am not going to talk about why we broke up or why we should be back together. I am only writing this to blur out my frustration, to talk about what has been there in my mind all through these 14 months. I will try my best to keep this as short as possible, excuse me if I end up going too far in writing this but believe me I am not going to write anything from your prospective or how you “Feel” or how you “should” feel about this whole “let’s-end-this-relationship” thing. I will keep this strictly to me. How I feel. I will make sure I make no judgments on you. What you do is your part. What I shall write today is my part. So let’s not complicate things. I shall not say anything about you, and you must not say anything to me for writing this piece of crap.
Life has been an awesome disaster over the last 420 days – see, even the numbers are speaking sarcasm today. What I always wished over years was served to me in a plate but what I wanted to cherish for a lifetime was taken away from me – you. Well, God has its own way of mending things, maybe this whole incident was among one of them. Fuck. God. Why did you do that to me?

Anyway, life has been pretty fucked up and beautiful till now, since you left. There is so much that happened that I cannot paraphrase here.

The sad part is that no matter why may happen, it makes me think of you only. The promotion I had. Well, that was something I was longing for, but you were not there. I wanted you to be a part of that moment but that never happened. Over this whole period no matter what happened I was trying to find you around, I wanted you to listen to me, I wanted to tell you how good or bad I feel. I wanted you to be happy for what I have achieved. Appreciate me for what I did and what I did not. But, no you were not there.

On my birthday I got a car. Yes, something we had always thought of. Something I wanted to buy only for you. Something I was supposed to buy in March-April but delayed the plans because of our “mutual” breakup. Even today when I drive my car I think of you, there are so many memories we wanted to build around our car. Those planned long drives, those trips we wanted to go on and everything else. Well, nothing happened of that sought. Even today when I drive on your house stretch I feel shattered. Your memories start to haunt me; quite literally. I have lost the count of how many times I have stopped at that metro station and just sink in my emotions.
The sad part of our story is that we had spent too much time already, more than car, more than job, there are so many much bigger and important things that we built around us. Nothing is going to come true. At least if I believe in what you say. The sad part is that though we broke up , I still do not see the reason why we should not be coming back together. Why, we just cannot make a fresh start. Why is that no matter how hard I try, you don’t’ feel those emotions for me again. What has happened is obviously the thing of past now, nobody has power to change it. What power I have in my hand is what I am not exercising yet- move on.

I think it’s time I let you go. And that’s so hard to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life. But the daydreaming, the running in place, it’s not healthy. So this is me, cutting the cord. This is me doing what I should have done months ago: saying goodbye.
— Unknown

 

I am destructively annoyed and freaked out. I am obsessive now. I do not know if I should be blaming you, not sure if you are wrong or I am. But whatever be it I am on the verge of explosion. Saturation point as you say.

Few things that this whole phase has made me understand are three of my life’s biggest mistakes. Mistakes, that I might regret through out my life.

Loving unconditionally.

What did I get to love unconditionally? I was the guy who wanted to fall in love with one girl and that is it. I was settled for life. But, then destiny had more plans for me. They made me go through THIS. I am somebody who hardly keeps any regret but this thing makes me regret my decisions now and might force me to regret more in future. Good are those people who fall in love. It was my mistake that I decided to walk with you in love instead.

Keeping a blindfold to love been given to me.

When you left me, I had “all the world love” been given to me. Yes, all love. SHE- who happened to be my best friend love me for years, but she was never a choice because you were there. After you left, it was SHE who listens to me, who cried along with me, who guided me, who supported me. And trust me there was not even once that she asked me to not to go back to you. She always suggested me on how I could win you back. It was after almost a year that she started being cold towards you. She says that you took too much of my happiness away and she doesn’t like that. Well, obviously she was right. She had a point. I was and I am doing wrong by waiting for you even now. She is still a best friend, she will be forever.

And then there is another she. You know who I am talking about. Well, she was the one I happen to start liking but I never took things forward with her. I was way too engrossed in your memories. I kept asking her for more time to get over you but then she had her “saturation point” too. I did not wanted to give her false hope so I told that nothing can be there between us. She understood and told me that I was doing wrong to myself.

…Not moving on
I have no sense of idea why I have not moved on yet? Loving you is one reason but what else? I know you do not love me anymore. I know you have made clear that you are not coming back then what is stopping me? I feel terrified by the mere thought that you are not around. I have tried as much as possible to get over you, yet I fail. Again and again.

You remember that Landsdowne trip I went to this month? That trip was nothing but an attempt to run away from so many people. Run away from you. Run away from my room. Run away from my dairy. Run away from my cupboard locker. That was just an attempt to run away from myself. Everything around me, within me, does nothing but haunts me with your memories. I went there because I wanted to stand among those hills and scream. Scream like nobody ever did before. I simply wanted to cry like nobody did before. Unfortunately, the attempt failed. The company I was with did not give an opportunity to succeed in my plans, well, they were way too awesome. They just did not let me think about anything else but “some good time” there. Yes, I did miss you but I did not scream or cry. I wanted it badly, as they say, that sometimes you have to let things go. This trip was another millionth attempt to forget you and to move on and start living in present. Unwillingly, I think I still stand at same place where I started from. I haven’t yet stopped thinking about you.
What I miss most is that, I have stopped reading. Yes, I who used to read books day-in, day-out has stopped reading. I have stopped writing ! Apart from those personal notes I scribe all the time. I stopped blogging ! Something that was my piece of soul. Something I cherish most after you. Imagine, this happens to be the first blog in past ninety-days.

When I write this letter today, I still love you like I always used to but the thing is till when? I do not see you come back. What I am doing to myself is not acceptable. It is not acceptable to my mom; she is so annoyed on seeing me like this. It is not acceptable to my friends- few that I have. It is not acceptable to her; yes, her – my best friend. In a nutshell it is not acceptable to me. What did I do that I have to go through this? No, I am not blaming you yet. I do not see a reason to blame you. I am only writing what I am feeling. I know its me who is responsible for this situation that I have made of myself. I am happy for where you are, what you are doing. I am happy that you are happy. But, I am not happy of what I am making myself go through. Trust me, I do not deserve this.

Thanks Priyanshi Gulati for proof reading.

Once a Loner. Always a Loner.


Via Google

I am happy. I am gay. I am joyful. I am happy; once again. Life has given me no reasons to regret. And I choose to live a life of been happy forever, but, deep down things are not that happy and joyful as they may look. When I introspect myself, all I am able to judge is that what a big failure I have been in my life. I was never good with studies, college went out like a sick-period of life, the job I am into is what I never wanted but I still choose to work into it and on top of everything I am still fighting a cold-war with my dad.  And the biggest failure I had in my life has been making relationships’. I suck at them. Sincerely.

I was never able to make friends, when I made I lost them soon, very soon. I cannot play the blame game here but all I know is that destiny wanted me to play the role of victim. Way back when I was in school, I made a friend. We were supper buddies. He stood by me when I hit him hard in his face for no reasons, he never said anything. He stood by me after I shouted and abused with him in front of my whole class. He never said anything. He stood by me when I was in bad times, but one day, on the eve of Christmas, last year. I cut off all my relations with him on a very pity talk (something which I now realize). All this after nine-years of friendship. We used to sit together, eat together, and roam together. It was he with whom I used to enjoy moving around on my 95′ made LML Vespa scooter. When I got a new Honda Activa, I wanted so much to go on a ride with him, a ride we used to have on LML. It never happened.

While in school we all promised to each other that we would stay friends-forever, nothing happened. All we now know each other as is ‘some’ Facebook friend. I am not sure if that other friend is responsible for it or not but, what I know is that I am surely responsible.

Another friend, we studied together till tenth-standard. We were OK-OK friends, but when we left school our friendship developed stronger Thanks to her efforts. She was in a relationship then, and so was I. But we were good friends even then. It was she who always contacted me and then scolded me for not been keeping in touch with her. The saga continued for years, I never disliked her; I had no reasons for it. And one day when I met her, she gave me a cold-look.  I asked her how she was doing, she did not reply. I asked her if she changed her phone number and she said yes and was not willing to share it with me. Soon I found out that she removed me from her FB account too. I still have no reasons to blame her. She never did anything wrong. But, when I look back to think what wrong I may have done I find out how lame I was in keeping touch with people who cherished me for what I was and liked me for that. What I did was never intentional. I obviously never wanted to lose a friend like her but…..

When I left my senior-secondary schooling, I had another set of friends to cherish for life. Among them was this girl, we shared the same zodiac sign; she was one egoistic soul for world. But for when around me she was the most understanding and caring friend I could ever had. We were friends-for-soul; sitting on the distance of miles I could text her “Wake up. Leave that quilt. It’s 1 PM! “And she would have replied “How do you know I was sleeping, do not tell me you have cameras installed in my house”. We were phone friends. We hardly used to meet because of time constraint but, even then we were made for one-another. And then came a day, I love to hate. It was one sunny afternoon of February 2011. I was on phone with her like always and BANG, something happened that changed everything forever. Since then we do not even exchange birthday wishes. It was actually not the first-fight we ever had. Maybe it was 7th or 8th, every time we spoke to each other after a fight, that bond of friendship between us came out to be much stronger. But after this clash, things CHANGED forever. Unlike with my other two friends, I think here we both were guilty at some point. Was I at more fault as she says? I do not know! I promised her that she would be the first girl to take a ride in my first car. May be that will never happen.

I’ve always been an introvert person. I find it difficult to start a conversation with somebody who is stranger to me. And may be that is why I never made new friends. In my college, I made ALMOST NO FRIENDS in first-year. It was in second-year that some people made me their friends. I am thankful we are still together. I once again say “May be forever” and hope that the bad luck of my previous relationship does not fall on us. Finger crossed.

Today, the worst part of been at home after five-days of office is that I see no one around to go out for a walk. No one to talk to. No one with whom I could go to eat my favorite chicken roll. No one to take a ride on my Activa. No One. This makes me mention about the first-friend I talked about, after not taking to each other for almost one year, we both became friends once again this December. But we have lost that charm now, that charm of sharing a nine-year bond of friendship. Even though we talk, it sounds like two monotonous Roberts talking.

The people I managed to be friends with since my college is amazing. We all are still together. But, things have changed among us too. Some of them are now continuing their education, some are into jobs of their choice, and some of them choose not to share what they are doing. Among them is a friend with whom I have always went to have our favorite chicken roll. The number of times we now go there is decreased but, we still cherish the time when we can manage to go there. I hope things turn out to be good only in future.

The other guy is the one with whom the early morning “chai’ (Tea) tasted amazingly-good! We now do not meet up for chai but, yes I am thankful that we at least meet.

And then comes a friend who has turned out to be my biggest supporter in anything that I would do. It was she was made me start this blog, it was she who supported all my lame business ideas. And it IS SHE who is still supporting me in anything that I do. Bless her.

I remember how once one of my friend stopped talking to me and cut down all relations with me because she eventually started liking me. One sudden day, which I now remember was January 9th 2011. We did not spoke to each other for more than two months. Thankfully, things changed after that. We are good, very good friends now.

I have no idea why this all has to happen to me only. I know I am bad at a lot of things, but I have a good side too. People call me stubborn, egoistic and arrogant, which I am may be. But, I try my best not to let these things disturb my other relationships. What all bad that happens to my circle-of-friends is what I never wished for. It just happened. And yes, I never got an intuition of that.

One thing which is turning sour now is my relationship with my girlfriend. She has been an amazing girlfriend and continues to be same. Thankfully she is understating and is not nagging at all. I love her and there is no doubt about it. But, for some reasons we are now losing that spark in our relationship and this time I know that I can be blamed. She may think that I do not love her anymore which is not the case. I still lover her, but sparing time for her is what I am unable to do currently. She continues to support me even in this situation but, what I know is that there is an extent of supporting somebody. One cannot do it for whole life. I fear if things will worsen between us. I obviously do not want that.

As I mentioned earlier that I am an introvert, but, there is one thing I NOW pat my back for. I think I am now an ambivert person. Unlike earlier, I know try to make friends and some or other way I have been successful in doing that. I may not go to speak to everybody I meet and be friend to them but, I try to make the maximum out of it. Among them is my namesake, he works with me. I cannot even tell you how similiar our thoughts are sometime. I call him my alter-ego. In him I see friend to open my heart with. We would sometime ride on NH-8, stop nearby IGI runway and talk, talk about everything that bothers us.
There are other people at my workplace whom I cherish to call friends. We talk, we laugh, we share and all that we can do. Among everyone their is this girl, she is such an adorable child. When she smiles, other things can wait. I call her ‘Marla Singer’ with us we also have an engineer, she is good, very good. The best part about her is that she has not killed me yet for all that I said to her .(..and may be now she is writing an SMS to somebody “he blogged about me” ).  Maybe we all stay together.

Two more people, I’ve been friends with since my school time is what now disturbs me more. We were good, so good. But, now we are just “we”. Things are now turning to be sour among us. Here I can say that I am the one who is supposed to be blamed. First thing : I forget one of my friends birthday. Second: I hardly get time to meet them. They would always ask to come to meet but, my office does not allow me that kind of time and  freedom. They both are into business, managing time for them is far easier than I. I obviously do not want to have another set of “they were my friends”  tag. I try to do all I can but, I fail badly.

….Once a Loner, always a Loner. Epic Fall. And to hide everything in me all I do is “walk alone in dark”

Via Google

(Completed writing on the midnight-stroke of January 9th and 10th 2013 )

Tarak Mehta ka Ulta Chasma + Hachiko A Dog’s Story + My Dog’s Story


                                                                                  

I am a great fan of Tarak Mehta Ka Ulta Chasma and sometimes I e even sit back to watch the previous episodes for whole day. This is when the repeats are been aired for almost whole weekend. Though every episode leaves me with a big smile and a stress free mind, yesterday’s episode was different. I cried while that episode and when it got over. The subject yesterday was blind people and collecting money for their operation. I have always liked the way TMUC’s team put across things and this blind people story was no different. Thumbs up to the team for putting across such a sensitive and important topic so beautifully.

The whole scene where ‘Tapu Sena’ showed the pain of a family with a blind child to look after and no money to afford the expenses was
breath taking. I was not only stunned but, it made me think about what I am doing for these people with no resources.

A salute to TMUC’s team; keep up the awesomeness. I am also sure that such brilliant work would keep on flowing on my  ONLY favourite television show.

                                                                                                  *******************************

Few months back, some of my office folks were talking about a movie Hachiko A Dog’s Story. They were discussing how a dog waited for his master at a railway station, at that time; I was obviously exited to hear that thing and also read further about this dog over the
internet. But, I was never bothered to watch the movie or read the book. I was not much keen n or probably you can say that I never really got an opportunity for same. But, what happened today has left me speechless. I managed to watch the movie Hachiko A Dog’s story and what a pleasure it was to watch this movie. Such a simple real ‘story’ of a dog and the love for his master. I could not control my tears in last 30 minutes of the movie and the end of the movie brought more
tears.

I now know that this was a real story based in Japan and it really makes me think how loyal this dog was and what a wonderful family he
found his home in. The scene where Hachiko was trying to stop his master from leaving home was most emotional and loyal scene for me. I mean what more loyalty can we expect from an animal who could feel intuitions of something wrong that was about to happen with his master. Hats off to this dog who waited for his master for a day after his death and nine years.  I was stunned and I am still.  Just before starting writing this post, I managed to watch this movie once again and yes I was left with tears once again.

I am also thinking to read the book now. I also wish I could have a pet for myself. A Labrador, but my parents are against it. May be need
to show them the movie.

                                                                                                ****************************

Do we live in a society where our relationships with humans are so shallow that we need animals to fill that space? I remember I once said to my girlfriend that I want to have a dog because I want somebody to cuddle me, hug me, wait for me when I come back home. And just the other second I asked myself if I really need an animal to fill those gaps I may have in my life. I mean, have I been such a failure in my life that I could not make enough friends and other relationships that I now need a dog to do that all for me?

I do not say that having a dog as a pet is wrong or anything else of that sought, but for some reasons I am forced to think about our need
of having a dog to fill that gap. In my understanding no other animal else than a dog can give you that closely-affectionate love and that
is the  reason why most people have one as a pet, but, the question remains same. Are we so lost in this materialistic world that we have
no humans to love and care for?

 

Aditya Bhasin hails from India, Delhi-an avid reader, who enjoys his cup of tea over it, a racist in purest form as he hates chocolate and coffee. He does not like traveling much, but, if he gets an opportunity to travel he chooses to do that by a train instead of a car or a plane. He is an ambivert person and is happy that way.

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Email: adityabhasin81 (at) (gmail)

The Magical Charm of an Arranged Marriage


Things would have been different If I was single, I would have loved to settle down in an arranged marriage. But, because I am already into a super-awesome relationship for almost seven-years now, I really cannot think of experiencing the magical charm of getting married to a stranger. Though, I still have my own set of beliefs and views to share about the idea of arranged marriage.

Mere thinking of settling down in an arranged marriage gives me goose-bumps. I think it is the most divine form of a relationship. The beauty of an arranged marriage starts from the day you and your families decide that yes he/she can be your only soul-mate. From that day onward, things between would-be husband-wife are like those teenage love stories, where everything is beautiful, the girl finds her would be husband the most handsome man in this world and the man sees her would-be wife as the sweetest and the most adorable lady he could have ever met.

First they would meet at a coffee-shop, they would talk nothing. Not even take a single sip of the coffee they ordered for. The boy would keep looking at everything around him and would constantly skip a moment to look at his would-be wife. The lady on the other hand would be sitting in all expectations that the man of her life would start the conversation.

Things move on, and the couple starts growing with each other. Every moment that passes seems like a never ending journey they are on to. Soon the day comes when they are on their marriage-stage. They both look beautiful. They both steal a moment to look at each other, in that single moment of looking at each other, all they convey to each other is “hey..you look beautiful”.

The would-be husband wanted to say “Baby, you look beautiful” but he does not do that. He thinks that it is way too fast. He is not sure if his would-be wife would be comfortable on hearing the affectionate word ‘baby’ or not. The beautiful lady thinks all what her would-be husband thinks about her. They both are talking to each other with their eyes. The boy is somewhat getting intoxicated looking at her would-be beautiful wife.[one] All he thinks to do is to describe her beauty, better than how Geoffrey Chaucer did to Alison in Wife of Bath Prologue and Tale. Sitting there, he is reading these lines to himself, thinking that he is doing it to his would-be wife.

“But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief,
That thou her maid art far more fair than she.”
(2. 2. 4-8) ~ Romeo and Juliet, William Shakespeare

While they both sit on the dinner table, all they think is of how they would make each other eat. It is a new experience for both of them. They are not sure who is supposed to start first. In midst of everything around, boy keeps his hand over his would-be wife’s hand. She is stranded for a second. She does not realize what just happened. She blushes and takes away her hand. Everyone around is smiling, and the beautiful lady of the day is feeling shy. She does not know what her would be husband likes to eat. She gives a childlike look to her would-be husband, and in a moment, he understands what she is trying to say; things are now becoming clear between them. All he says is ‘whatever you like’. Somewhere deep down in there mind, they both think about how an arranged marriage takes place. They are happy….

As the time is coming close for them to be husband-wife instead of would-be husband wife their excitement, and anxiety is also increasing. Looking at how nervous his would-be wife is like the husband now offers a supporting hand to his wife. She feels reveled. The ‘magic-touch’ seems to work now. For a moment, they look into each others’ eyes and smile; smile for the first time in last five hrs. Seeing that nobody is around, girl asks her would-be husband ‘ how do I look ?’ The would-be husband simply wants to kiss her hand and tell how beautiful she is , but is unable to do that. All he said says is ‘Angel’. The girl thinks why her would-be husband is not saying something else or more. She then realizes that maybe this is the real beauty of an arranged marriage. You never say anything to each other- you only feel.

Finally the moment comes when they are husband-and-wife. All the rituals are now over. They are now sitting and waiting to enter a new world. The girl is now crying. She has already started missing her family. This time instead of holding her mom’s hand, she looks for her husbands’ warm-and-cozy hand.[two] She takes hold of it; tightly. The husband is now a supporting hand to his wife. The lady of the evening now relies on her husband and not her first-family. Somebody from the boy’s family makes a witty comment on something. The couple shares a good-laugh – for the first time together. They come close to each other. This time they are less uncomfortable. After all they are husband-and wife; that too through the most sacred ritual of our world- arranged marriage.

Then comes the most precious time of their lives. The girl waits for her husband on ‘their’ bed. She is nervous. She is almost sweating. She sits there like a statue; waiting to be crafted by the only craftsman of her life. In her mind she thinks about all the fantasies she has ever had about her marriage’s first night. As her husband moves closer to her, she starts feeling more shy. She never allowed any man to come that close to her in her life. She only lets her husband be that close. She thinks that first-night in an arranged marriage is more beautiful than a love marriage. She thinks she is going to give herself to her husband; whom she knows very little of. May be that is the magic of an arranged marriage- she says to herself.

The husband is now sitting next to his wife. He is not sure of what to say and what to do. He is equally shy-and-nervous of things going with him. He has had so much to say and do, but none turns out. He thinks – how to go forward? He was not aware that things could be so difficult. For a second he thinks he should have had a love-marriage, so that he would have known his wife better- already. The very next second he looks at his wife and the thought of love-marriage skips his mind. He takes hold of her hand. He kisses her hand. For the first time a man was touching her, the girl thinks. With that kiss the husband says “You look beautiful, my angel.” She blushes and hugs her husband. [three] They sit there and talk, talk about everything they have had in their mind. The girl while playing with her words tell her husband that she was not yet ready for taking this first-night further. Husband is amazed to hear that. He was not expecting this. For some minutes they only look into each others’ eyes, while they play with each others hands. Husband smiles and says “even I am not yet ready”.

It is a moment of relief for the girl. They both smile at their own childish-yet-mature- than ever relationship. Suddenly they both ask each other something that makes them both feel dumb-stuck: “is this how an arrange marriage works?” They laugh and hug each other. And while they are talking to each other, girl falls asleep. The girl is in her husband’s arms and has her head resting on his shoulder. All what the boy does is look at her in amaze

Their arranged marriage evolves day-by-day. On the second-day of their marriage, they say to each other the three magical words “I love you”. It is then they make love with each other. To them nothing seems more divine than what they are into, at that moment. The next morning, while they have their early morning love-bird talks, all they say to each other is that “I could not have loved you more if it were a love marriage.”

Image One Photo credit Jitender Kashmira

“The boy is somewhat going intoxicated looking at her would-be beautiful wife.”

Image Two Photo credit Aditya Singh

“This time instead of holding her mom’s hand, she looks for her husbands’ warm-and-cozy hand.”

“She blushes and hugs her husband.”

I know you must be wondering that why didn’t I posted pictures with the text. So to answer that, I want to tell you folks that I orignally wanted my readers to imagine those pictures. Yes, imagine as they read the text. I am sure you were able to feel exactly the way I expected.

This post is for IndiBlogger’s contest  Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage. Please follow them on their Facebook page for constant updates.

About Aditya Bhasin

Aditya Bhasin hails from India, Delhi-an avid reader, who enjoys his cup of tea over it, a racist in purest form as he hates chocolate and coffee. He does not like traveling much, but, if he gets an opportunity to travel he chooses to do that by a train instead of a car or a plane. He is an introvert person who is trying to be an extrovert by all possible means.

Fb.com + About.me + Twitter.com + StumbleUpon.com + LinkedIn.com+ FourSquare.com + Pinterest.com + Digg.com + Reddit.com = /meadityabhasin

Email: adityabhasin81 (at) (gmail) (.com)