…The Last Letter


It has been more than 14 months that we “mutually” broke up. A relationship that was supposed to last for a life time ended precipitately. In this letter I am not going to talk about why we broke up or why we should be back together. I am only writing this to blur out my frustration, to talk about what has been there in my mind all through these 14 months. I will try my best to keep this as short as possible, excuse me if I end up going too far in writing this but believe me I am not going to write anything from your prospective or how you “Feel” or how you “should” feel about this whole “let’s-end-this-relationship” thing. I will keep this strictly to me. How I feel. I will make sure I make no judgments on you. What you do is your part. What I shall write today is my part. So let’s not complicate things. I shall not say anything about you, and you must not say anything to me for writing this piece of crap.
Life has been an awesome disaster over the last 420 days – see, even the numbers are speaking sarcasm today. What I always wished over years was served to me in a plate but what I wanted to cherish for a lifetime was taken away from me – you. Well, God has its own way of mending things, maybe this whole incident was among one of them. Fuck. God. Why did you do that to me?

Anyway, life has been pretty fucked up and beautiful till now, since you left. There is so much that happened that I cannot paraphrase here.

The sad part is that no matter why may happen, it makes me think of you only. The promotion I had. Well, that was something I was longing for, but you were not there. I wanted you to be a part of that moment but that never happened. Over this whole period no matter what happened I was trying to find you around, I wanted you to listen to me, I wanted to tell you how good or bad I feel. I wanted you to be happy for what I have achieved. Appreciate me for what I did and what I did not. But, no you were not there.

On my birthday I got a car. Yes, something we had always thought of. Something I wanted to buy only for you. Something I was supposed to buy in March-April but delayed the plans because of our “mutual” breakup. Even today when I drive my car I think of you, there are so many memories we wanted to build around our car. Those planned long drives, those trips we wanted to go on and everything else. Well, nothing happened of that sought. Even today when I drive on your house stretch I feel shattered. Your memories start to haunt me; quite literally. I have lost the count of how many times I have stopped at that metro station and just sink in my emotions.
The sad part of our story is that we had spent too much time already, more than car, more than job, there are so many much bigger and important things that we built around us. Nothing is going to come true. At least if I believe in what you say. The sad part is that though we broke up , I still do not see the reason why we should not be coming back together. Why, we just cannot make a fresh start. Why is that no matter how hard I try, you don’t’ feel those emotions for me again. What has happened is obviously the thing of past now, nobody has power to change it. What power I have in my hand is what I am not exercising yet- move on.

I think it’s time I let you go. And that’s so hard to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life. But the daydreaming, the running in place, it’s not healthy. So this is me, cutting the cord. This is me doing what I should have done months ago: saying goodbye.
— Unknown

 

I am destructively annoyed and freaked out. I am obsessive now. I do not know if I should be blaming you, not sure if you are wrong or I am. But whatever be it I am on the verge of explosion. Saturation point as you say.

Few things that this whole phase has made me understand are three of my life’s biggest mistakes. Mistakes, that I might regret through out my life.

Loving unconditionally.

What did I get to love unconditionally? I was the guy who wanted to fall in love with one girl and that is it. I was settled for life. But, then destiny had more plans for me. They made me go through THIS. I am somebody who hardly keeps any regret but this thing makes me regret my decisions now and might force me to regret more in future. Good are those people who fall in love. It was my mistake that I decided to walk with you in love instead.

Keeping a blindfold to love been given to me.

When you left me, I had “all the world love” been given to me. Yes, all love. SHE- who happened to be my best friend love me for years, but she was never a choice because you were there. After you left, it was SHE who listens to me, who cried along with me, who guided me, who supported me. And trust me there was not even once that she asked me to not to go back to you. She always suggested me on how I could win you back. It was after almost a year that she started being cold towards you. She says that you took too much of my happiness away and she doesn’t like that. Well, obviously she was right. She had a point. I was and I am doing wrong by waiting for you even now. She is still a best friend, she will be forever.

And then there is another she. You know who I am talking about. Well, she was the one I happen to start liking but I never took things forward with her. I was way too engrossed in your memories. I kept asking her for more time to get over you but then she had her “saturation point” too. I did not wanted to give her false hope so I told that nothing can be there between us. She understood and told me that I was doing wrong to myself.

…Not moving on
I have no sense of idea why I have not moved on yet? Loving you is one reason but what else? I know you do not love me anymore. I know you have made clear that you are not coming back then what is stopping me? I feel terrified by the mere thought that you are not around. I have tried as much as possible to get over you, yet I fail. Again and again.

You remember that Landsdowne trip I went to this month? That trip was nothing but an attempt to run away from so many people. Run away from you. Run away from my room. Run away from my dairy. Run away from my cupboard locker. That was just an attempt to run away from myself. Everything around me, within me, does nothing but haunts me with your memories. I went there because I wanted to stand among those hills and scream. Scream like nobody ever did before. I simply wanted to cry like nobody did before. Unfortunately, the attempt failed. The company I was with did not give an opportunity to succeed in my plans, well, they were way too awesome. They just did not let me think about anything else but “some good time” there. Yes, I did miss you but I did not scream or cry. I wanted it badly, as they say, that sometimes you have to let things go. This trip was another millionth attempt to forget you and to move on and start living in present. Unwillingly, I think I still stand at same place where I started from. I haven’t yet stopped thinking about you.
What I miss most is that, I have stopped reading. Yes, I who used to read books day-in, day-out has stopped reading. I have stopped writing ! Apart from those personal notes I scribe all the time. I stopped blogging ! Something that was my piece of soul. Something I cherish most after you. Imagine, this happens to be the first blog in past ninety-days.

When I write this letter today, I still love you like I always used to but the thing is till when? I do not see you come back. What I am doing to myself is not acceptable. It is not acceptable to my mom; she is so annoyed on seeing me like this. It is not acceptable to my friends- few that I have. It is not acceptable to her; yes, her – my best friend. In a nutshell it is not acceptable to me. What did I do that I have to go through this? No, I am not blaming you yet. I do not see a reason to blame you. I am only writing what I am feeling. I know its me who is responsible for this situation that I have made of myself. I am happy for where you are, what you are doing. I am happy that you are happy. But, I am not happy of what I am making myself go through. Trust me, I do not deserve this.

Thanks Priyanshi Gulati for proof reading.

It is still a love story. A heart breaking.


In their teen age was when they both met, a random meet. The guy had fallen in love with a face, that face had no name, no other identity. Days and month passed but nothing happened between both of them. Boy continued to fall for this girl more and more. He was 16 at that time and yet he said to himself that “she is the girl I want to spend my life with”. Friends called him foolish, yet he continued to fall more and more for this girl. This girl, who he found out to be the most attractive face ever. He said that she seems to have some different kind of childlike face. He felt mesmerized about her. When the first time he went to speak to her, she simply said no, she was not interested for any kind of friendship. He did not feel bad nor he was hurt for anything, he said it’s completely her choice if she wants to be a friend to him or not.
 
Time passed, and so the year. Time came when destiny wanted them to meet, maybe for forever. Something’s from this guy’s end and something from this girl’s end, they happened to end up into a friendship. Then started a part of their life which was like a dream come true, in that early age they fell for each other. Everything among them was so traditional. The guy used to make local calls at two rupees per minute from a local booth near his house, the first few calls were always waste. Somebody or else picked up the phone in girl’s house. The conversations used to last for minutes and sometimes hours.
 
The total time spent on phone was proportional to the amount of change guy could find from his mom’s purse and from under the pillow. Those were the most kiddish yet beautiful conversation one could have. They end up asking each other their favourite color, what they like to eat, did they have their food and many other such conversations. Mainer times, the girl used to call him early in morning at four AM and the boy was so engraved into his sleep that he would not hear any of those 55 calls made early in morning. Girl was sweet, she never blamed or said anything over this thing. She just kept on calling every day at sharp four AM, finally came one day when the guy manage to get up with those calls and spoke to her at that time. She was happy that he at least made an effort.
 
Seasons, months and years passed and they continued to be together. They were in different schools and then different colleges yet they were inseparable. The best part about the girl was that she was an understanding person. Very understanding. There was not even a single moment of their relation when the guy might have said that you do not understand me. The guy was always loyal to her, yes he accepted that there were some misses on his end once or a while, but he always accepted those misses.
 
He did not hide anything from her, what was in his mind was what she knew always. This was their bond.
 
Over course of years, it was thrice that the guy felt attracted towards another girl. It was nothing but attraction. The wrong thing on this guy’s end was that he went on face value sometimes. Yet he was confident of his relationship and more proud of it. He never crossed his thin line. What was an attraction to him stayed same and he got over it in less than 4-5 days every time. Out of these three instances there was not even single instance when he did not tell her about his attractions. He was always clear about them and apologized for same. She got a little angry but always had that trust on him that he will never cross his thin line. And he made sure that he never, never does that again.
 
 
She never had such an attraction towards anyone else like she had towards him. He was proud of that thing. One thing which was most common between both was that they wanted to stay together always. Not once they said that they will separate ever in life. Their bond was a rare one to find.
 
Manier times when they told others they were together for these many years, people felt astonished. Most of the man hearing his story said that the guy was a fool to stay in a relationship for so long. And the girls who heard this story always said that wish they had a story like them. They both were very happy about how everything was going. Among many exiting things they planned together, the guy wanted to buy a car, actually they both wanted one. They always thought about long drivers, long conversations, good food served in-car instead of a Pizza hut corner, those romantic drives where would just hold each other hands and drive without any destination. The first long journey they planned they would go on would be some forts in Rajasthan. But all these exiting things were far-sighted. This guy was still working hard to make his dreams, though he was always sure that he will live these dreams with only love of her life once for sure.
There was one thing which she disliked about him. He himself knew that he was not very good on that front but he just failed to manage his priorities. He was a guy who loved one girl and he loved his work. He always said that his work was a religion for him. Doubtless everything else than work was equally important for him if not more but there was a period in his life when he failed to recognize what he was losing in his endeavor to love his religion. For him his work became everything, other things became his second priority. Yes, that included her as well. She had seen him working in past as well and had always supported him. She knew it well what kind of passion he happens to have for his work and the only reason for him to work so hard: fulfil everything for himself and his family and her he ever dreamt of.
But as they say there comes a saturation point of every human and everything. Maybe this was her saturation point. Slowly, she started feeling detached from him. He got a bit harsh on her too. What used to be an hr. long quality conversation everyday became a 15 minute breather-like conversation every day. The meetings – those were enjoyable and in want of purest emotion: love became like a mechanical thing. Sometimes when they met it felt like two androids were meeting each other. Things started to turn sour among them, the guy never sensed how bad it was going to be. The girl did sense and did all she could to make him understand that what she was going through and what might happen if thing does not improve between both of them. He did understood quite a few times but never understood the gravity of the situation. Unknowingly he took everything very lightly well in her words: for-granted.
 
It was last winter that thing were moving towards being almost ruined. He could smell it but failed to fix it. He was way too into his work to give time to a stinking relationship. A relationship he always cherished and thought that it will improve; may be automatically; without any efforts. Only later he realized that thing does not work that way.
 
Then came a day when everything was devastated. Girl wanted to move away, for both their good. Now was the time when the guy realized what wrong he was doing and how he was supposed to be blamed for everything. He asked for some time from girl, he said that give me some time to make things better and he would have no expectations. So he asked for thirty days to make sure he will get things in a working order and after that it would be the girls’ choice if she would like to give the guy another chance. If not, he promised that he will walk away will never look back. In that time he did all he could to tell her how much he loves her. He did all he never did for her. He started to manage his work a little well so that he could give her some more time. Somewhere between all this the girl told him that there is no need for him to do these things. She know it well that he loved him like anything and she loves him same way. But, it was something else that is making her do this.
 
Initially, the guy thought that might be another guy. But soon he realized no, it was not another guy, it was HE who was responsible for everything. Nobody else; just HE.
 
 
At one point, they both thought that things were getting back to normal and they were ready to fall in love with each other once again. That even happened, but, lasted for not more than seven days. Then came a day when they both met, to talk. Girl said what she wanted to and boy said what he wanted to. In that conversation of three hr., they both broke down manier times. The boy was on weaker end. He just could not gulp down the fact that they both were no more together and they just broke up. That day, they parted for each other’s good. Boy had his reasons to agree with this one-sided breakup. He understood that for her this relationship was turning out to be a claustrophobic one. They cried, they hugged, and the girl asked the guy for a smile and bid each other good-bye. They parted away, boy on his way to home broke down while riding his pillion. It was difficult for him to agree and accept that the relationship that was supposed to turn into a marriage bond just ended. Yeah! Ended.
 
He was sure that it would be the same on girls end too but he did not knew anything much about what she might be like or what she might be feeling. Well, they broke up so they were supposed to end their contact with each other. The girl, while discussing everything made sure that she persuaded him to continue staying in touch, he was reluctant about same. He said if it was the end then it should be a complete end, but, somehow they agreed to keep in touch.
That night, the guy could not sleep, he just cried and let it all go. They continued to talk to each other for many days, but well, they were no more in a relationship. The guy made a journal for himself, every day he wrote something into that journal about how he felt about her not being around. In few days only, guy’s mother sensed something and asked him if everything was fine. He said yes; everything was fine. Of course he lied. His mom knew everything about both of them was very much willing to see them as a couple in future too. She was worried about her son but, her son kept everything to himself and very few of his friends.
One bad thing that the guy once again did was that he thought that the girl was happy about this whole thing. He did not blame her for anything, just thought that maybe she is now free and happy only later he realized that how much wrong he was. But then it was too late for him to realize. The loss once again had already happened. The most difficult thing for him to accept and understand was that he always thought that how would she manage? Having been in a relationship for so long he always guided her and suggested her when she was in a doubt, now he thought that how would she manage everything?
 
Yes, it was foolish for him to think that way. After all she was not a child, yet it was his love and care for her that made him think that way. One day when she told him that she was going out-of-state for a period of time he was stranded. It gave him a cold feet that how she will manage in a different state altogether. He never wanted to her to go, but, then he had no right to tell her to stop, he was nothing to her any more.
 
There were quite a few instances that the guy approached her for a fresh start, yes, she did same too. But, thing just did not work out. No, it was not that they gave a start and broke up again. But, they just failed to give it another start.
 
December 2020
 
Somebody far informed this guy that the girl has got married and is now settled. This guy, is single and not much willing to move on. He still feels sorry for mistakes he did and believes that things could have been better than what they were at this time. He had nothing in his hands then some memories. Memories, he had lived with for so many years and continue to live with them. He is extremely happy for the only love of his life. He is proud that he once fell in love with that girl. The purest heart among all.
 
Then after, all this guy did was walked …into the wild.
 
* First attempt on fiction *

Thanks Priyanshi Gulati for proof reading.

Public Display of Affection #PDA


Blog One Twenty Two

I originally wrote this post in September 2010 and today I am back because one of my readers asked me if my perceptions and ideas changed since then. My answer to her was NO. Today, I am going to talk about my views over the same subject. When I originally wrote this a lot of people questioned my maturity. They said that I was too young to understand such stuff (I was TWENTY then).

Back then, when I wrote this post I was out with my girlfriend and found a lot of couples indulging in BABY-THIS-IS-OUR-BEDROOM-LETS-MAKE-LOVE situation. They were actually into each other’s arms and legs and all you can imagine. The worst thing I found a couple doing was that the girl was sitting into boys lap. YES, that is something that actually happened; that too in a mall, at a food-court. I could not (can’t) even think of same in my vivid imagination; hats off to these guys. (How could they?)

My problem does not lie with those who would hold each others hands or sometime even take their hands around their partner’s waist or something to more decent level. Things turn dirty beyond this point. We do live in a progressive society, but, does that means that we have no self-respect for ourselves? If I will go ahead and talk about our culture and stuff, a lot of people rather say a lot of ‘pseudo-progressive-minds’ will make my life difficult so I am not going to talk about that stuff.

How indecent it is to show your affection all in public. I understand young couples (like me) do not have enough private space to enough some good time or what we also call private movements. But, that does not mean that we would bring out those private movements- all in public. It is just like those MMS’s which are leaked on internet almost everyday.

There is nothing bad to be in love or to be expressive in a relationship, but, it is worthy enough to do that on cost of been humiliated in front of everyone? We all would remember the incidents when police forces slapped and beaten up the couples in parks across Uttar Pradesh when they were found in a compromising situation. I supported that. I support that even today. I may not support it to a full-extent, but, yes I do. I don’t see much thing which the police people did wrong. Yes, I agree they went ahead beyond law and beaten up the couples all in public, but, to the extent of things these couples were doing, I think police was reasonable fair in their doing.

Some people may say that we live in a democratic country and we have right to do what we want, so for those all I have to say is that if next time an MMS is leaked, and by mistake you’re or may be a friend of your is part of that MMS- don’t crib. After all we live in a democratic country we have a right to do what we want.

About Aditya Bhasin

Aditya Bhasin hails fromIndia,Delhi-an avid reader, who enjoys his cup of tea over it, a racist in purest form as he hates chocolate and coffee. He does not like traveling much, but, if he gets an opportunity to travel he chooses to do that by a train instead of a car or a plane. He is an introvert person who is trying to be an extrovert by all possible means.

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Email: adityabhasin81 (at) (gmail) (.com)

She is my angel.


She sat there in her class on the first desk, with some guy making some sought of paintings. I was in that same class not as a student but as a senior, monitoring the class. She was not beautiful, but she had an attractive face, she had no long hair and maybe this made her the cutest girl I ever came across. I just felt gripped in her aroma. She did not even notice my presence. But on my part I was lost in her cuteness already. Irrespective of the fact that how much she was making noise in that class, I did not say anything to her. I just let her do what she was doing. I was flatted on her. I just wanted to go and tell her “Hey…I like you…Can we be friends”. But I did not do that. I was scared of doing that. Days passed and I was falling towards her everyday. The day came I proposed her. And guess what, she refused. On her birthday I sent her some chocolates, but she never accepted that even; after that almost a year, passed by. The time for me to say good bye to that place came with guilt that the cutest girl of the school could not be my friend. Days passed and she proposed me. I had no reasons to say no. We were ‘Just friends’. We grew with each other as time passed. We understood each other. The time came when we said to each other, that hey I love you. It was New Year when that happened. In beginning our relationship was childlike, we hardly did anything which other couples were doing, but between us there was one thing very strong. It was love for each other and trust in each other. We continued and today when I write this post, we have completed five yrs six months and 23 days of a relationship which will last a life time. I am not somebody who will say that it was because of me the relationship came so long. It was because of both of us; rather her contribution was more and continuous to be same.

She is not among those nagging girlfriends, who will question you on everything in this world. What you do, why you do and stuff. We share our own spaces. We have a liberty in our relationship to do the thing we want to do and the way we want to do. She has always been a support for me in all the good, bad and the worst time. We are not ordinary couple. We share our bills, she buys me a coke, when I am out of money, and she does all the stuff just to make sure that I am going well. She will never ask me to give her an expensive gift, but yeah she will always demand me for good 15 minutes in a day, just because she would like to talk to me in peace. I am very much ready to accept that she is not the most beautiful girl anybody could come across, but when it comes to beauty of her heart; nobody can win.

I just wish, hope and pry that she is with me, till the day I lie on my death bed in her arms.

Love You Sweetheart.

About Aditya Bhasin

Aditya Bhasin hails from India, Delhi-an avid reader, who enjoys his cup of tea over it, a racist in purest form as he hates chocolate and coffee. He does not like traveling much, but, if he gets an opportunity to travel he chooses to do that by a train instead of a car or a plane. He is an ambivert person and is happy that way.
Fb.com + About.me + Twitter.com + StumbleUpon.com + LinkedIn.com+ FourSquare.com + Pinterest.com + Digg.com + Reddit.com = /meadityabhasin
Email: adityabhasin81 (at) (gmail) (.com)