It has been more than 14 months that we “mutually” broke up. A relationship that was supposed to last for a life time ended precipitately. In this letter I am not going to talk about why we broke up or why we should be back together. I am only writing this to blur out my frustration, to talk about what has been there in my mind all through these 14 months. I will try my best to keep this as short as possible, excuse me if I end up going too far in writing this but believe me I am not going to write anything from your prospective or how you “Feel” or how you “should” feel about this whole “let’s-end-this-relationship” thing. I will keep this strictly to me. How I feel. I will make sure I make no judgments on you. What you do is your part. What I shall write today is my part. So let’s not complicate things. I shall not say anything about you, and you must not say anything to me for writing this piece of crap.
Life has been an awesome disaster over the last 420 days – see, even the numbers are speaking sarcasm today. What I always wished over years was served to me in a plate but what I wanted to cherish for a lifetime was taken away from me – you. Well, God has its own way of mending things, maybe this whole incident was among one of them.
Fuck. God. Why did you do that to me?
Anyway, life has been pretty fucked up and beautiful till now, since you left. There is so much that happened that I cannot paraphrase here.
The sad part is that no matter why may happen, it makes me think of you only. The promotion I had. Well, that was something I was longing for, but you were not there. I wanted you to be a part of that moment but that never happened. Over this whole period no matter what happened I was trying to find you around, I wanted you to listen to me, I wanted to tell you how good or bad I feel. I wanted you to be happy for what I have achieved. Appreciate me for what I did and what I did not. But, no you were not there.
On my birthday I got a car. Yes, something we had always thought of. Something I wanted to buy only for you. Something I was supposed to buy in March-April but delayed the plans because of our “mutual” breakup. Even today when I drive my car I think of you, there are so many memories we wanted to build around our car. Those planned long drives, those trips we wanted to go on and everything else. Well, nothing happened of that sought. Even today when I drive on your house stretch I feel shattered. Your memories start to haunt me; quite literally. I have lost the count of how many times I have stopped at that metro station and just sink in my emotions.
The sad part of our story is that we had spent too much time already, more than car, more than job, there are so many much bigger and important things that we built around us. Nothing is going to come true. At least if I believe in what you say. The sad part is that though we broke up , I still do not see the reason why we should not be coming back together. Why, we just cannot make a fresh start. Why is that no matter how hard I try, you don’t’ feel those emotions for me again. What has happened is obviously the thing of past now, nobody has power to change it. What power I have in my hand is what I am not exercising yet- move on.
I think it’s time I let you go. And that’s so hard to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life. But the daydreaming, the running in place, it’s not healthy. So this is me, cutting the cord. This is me doing what I should have done months ago: saying goodbye.
I am destructively annoyed and freaked out. I am obsessive now. I do not know if I should be blaming you, not sure if you are wrong or I am. But whatever be it I am on the verge of explosion. Saturation point as you say.
Few things that this whole phase has made me understand are three of my life’s biggest mistakes. Mistakes, that I might regret through out my life.
What did I get to love unconditionally? I was the guy who wanted to fall in love with one girl and that is it. I was settled for life. But, then destiny had more plans for me. They made me go through THIS. I am somebody who hardly keeps any regret but this thing makes me regret my decisions now and might force me to regret more in future. Good are those people who fall in love. It was my mistake that I decided to walk with you in love instead.
Keeping a blindfold to love been given to me.
When you left me, I had “all the world love” been given to me. Yes, all love. SHE- who happened to be my best friend love me for years, but she was never a choice because you were there. After you left, it was SHE who listens to me, who cried along with me, who guided me, who supported me. And trust me there was not even once that she asked me to not to go back to you. She always suggested me on how I could win you back. It was after almost a year that she started being cold towards you. She says that you took too much of my happiness away and she doesn’t like that. Well, obviously she was right. She had a point. I was and I am doing wrong by waiting for you even now. She is still a best friend, she will be forever.
And then there is another she. You know who I am talking about. Well, she was the one I happen to start liking but I never took things forward with her. I was way too engrossed in your memories. I kept asking her for more time to get over you but then she had her “saturation point” too. I did not wanted to give her false hope so I told that nothing can be there between us. She understood and told me that I was doing wrong to myself.
…Not moving on
I have no sense of idea why I have not moved on yet? Loving you is one reason but what else? I know you do not love me anymore. I know you have made clear that you are not coming back then what is stopping me? I feel terrified by the mere thought that you are not around. I have tried as much as possible to get over you, yet I fail. Again and again.
You remember that Landsdowne trip I went to this month? That trip was nothing but an attempt to run away from so many people. Run away from you. Run away from my room. Run away from my dairy. Run away from my cupboard locker. That was just an attempt to run away from myself. Everything around me, within me, does nothing but haunts me with your memories. I went there because I wanted to stand among those hills and scream. Scream like nobody ever did before. I simply wanted to cry like nobody did before. Unfortunately, the attempt failed. The company I was with did not give an opportunity to succeed in my plans, well, they were way too awesome. They just did not let me think about anything else but “some good time” there. Yes, I did miss you but I did not scream or cry. I wanted it badly, as they say, that sometimes you have to let things go. This trip was another millionth attempt to forget you and to move on and start living in present. Unwillingly, I think I still stand at same place where I started from. I haven’t yet stopped thinking about you.
What I miss most is that, I have stopped reading. Yes, I who used to read books day-in, day-out has stopped reading. I have stopped writing ! Apart from those personal notes I scribe all the time. I stopped blogging ! Something that was my piece of soul. Something I cherish most after you. Imagine, this happens to be the first blog in past ninety-days.
When I write this letter today, I still love you like I always used to but the thing is till when? I do not see you come back. What I am doing to myself is not acceptable. It is not acceptable to my mom; she is so annoyed on seeing me like this. It is not acceptable to my friends- few that I have. It is not acceptable to her; yes, her – my best friend. In a nutshell it is not acceptable to me. What did I do that I have to go through this? No, I am not blaming you yet. I do not see a reason to blame you. I am only writing what I am feeling. I know its me who is responsible for this situation that I have made of myself. I am happy for where you are, what you are doing. I am happy that you are happy. But, I am not happy of what I am making myself go through. Trust me, I do not deserve this.
Thanks Priyanshi Gulati for proof reading.