I am happy. I am gay. I am joyful. I am happy; once again. Life has given me no reasons to regret. And I choose to live a life of been happy forever, but, deep down things are not that happy and joyful as they may look. When I introspect myself, all I am able to judge is that what a big failure I have been in my life. I was never good with studies, college went out like a sick-period of life, the job I am into is what I never wanted but I still choose to work into it and on top of everything I am still fighting a cold-war with my dad. And the biggest failure I had in my life has been making relationships’. I suck at them. Sincerely.
I was never able to make friends, when I made I lost them soon, very soon. I cannot play the blame game here but all I know is that destiny wanted me to play the role of victim. Way back when I was in school, I made a friend. We were supper buddies. He stood by me when I hit him hard in his face for no reasons, he never said anything. He stood by me after I shouted and abused with him in front of my whole class. He never said anything. He stood by me when I was in bad times, but one day, on the eve of Christmas, last year. I cut off all my relations with him on a very pity talk (something which I now realize). All this after nine-years of friendship. We used to sit together, eat together, and roam together. It was he with whom I used to enjoy moving around on my 95′ made LML Vespa scooter. When I got a new Honda Activa, I wanted so much to go on a ride with him, a ride we used to have on LML. It never happened.
While in school we all promised to each other that we would stay friends-forever, nothing happened. All we now know each other as is ‘some’ Facebook friend. I am not sure if that other friend is responsible for it or not but, what I know is that I am surely responsible.
Another friend, we studied together till tenth-standard. We were OK-OK friends, but when we left school our friendship developed stronger Thanks to her efforts. She was in a relationship then, and so was I. But we were good friends even then. It was she who always contacted me and then scolded me for not been keeping in touch with her. The saga continued for years, I never disliked her; I had no reasons for it. And one day when I met her, she gave me a cold-look. I asked her how she was doing, she did not reply. I asked her if she changed her phone number and she said yes and was not willing to share it with me. Soon I found out that she removed me from her FB account too. I still have no reasons to blame her. She never did anything wrong. But, when I look back to think what wrong I may have done I find out how lame I was in keeping touch with people who cherished me for what I was and liked me for that. What I did was never intentional. I obviously never wanted to lose a friend like her but…..
When I left my senior-secondary schooling, I had another set of friends to cherish for life. Among them was this girl, we shared the same zodiac sign; she was one egoistic soul for world. But for when around me she was the most understanding and caring friend I could ever had. We were friends-for-soul; sitting on the distance of miles I could text her “Wake up. Leave that quilt. It’s 1 PM! “And she would have replied “How do you know I was sleeping, do not tell me you have cameras installed in my house”. We were phone friends. We hardly used to meet because of time constraint but, even then we were made for one-another. And then came a day, I love to hate. It was one sunny afternoon of February 2011. I was on phone with her like always and BANG, something happened that changed everything forever. Since then we do not even exchange birthday wishes. It was actually not the first-fight we ever had. Maybe it was 7th or 8th, every time we spoke to each other after a fight, that bond of friendship between us came out to be much stronger. But after this clash, things CHANGED forever. Unlike with my other two friends, I think here we both were guilty at some point. Was I at more fault as she says? I do not know! I promised her that she would be the first girl to take a ride in my first car. May be that will never happen.
I’ve always been an introvert person. I find it difficult to start a conversation with somebody who is stranger to me. And may be that is why I never made new friends. In my college, I made ALMOST NO FRIENDS in first-year. It was in second-year that some people made me their friends. I am thankful we are still together. I once again say “May be forever” and hope that the bad luck of my previous relationship does not fall on us. Finger crossed.
Today, the worst part of been at home after five-days of office is that I see no one around to go out for a walk. No one to talk to. No one with whom I could go to eat my favorite chicken roll. No one to take a ride on my Activa. No One. This makes me mention about the first-friend I talked about, after not taking to each other for almost one year, we both became friends once again this December. But we have lost that charm now, that charm of sharing a nine-year bond of friendship. Even though we talk, it sounds like two monotonous Roberts talking.
The people I managed to be friends with since my college is amazing. We all are still together. But, things have changed among us too. Some of them are now continuing their education, some are into jobs of their choice, and some of them choose not to share what they are doing. Among them is a friend with whom I have always went to have our favorite chicken roll. The number of times we now go there is decreased but, we still cherish the time when we can manage to go there. I hope things turn out to be good only in future.
The other guy is the one with whom the early morning “chai’ (Tea) tasted amazingly-good! We now do not meet up for chai but, yes I am thankful that we at least meet.
And then comes a friend who has turned out to be my biggest supporter in anything that I would do. It was she was made me start this blog, it was she who supported all my lame business ideas. And it IS SHE who is still supporting me in anything that I do. Bless her.
I remember how once one of my friend stopped talking to me and cut down all relations with me because she eventually started liking me. One sudden day, which I now remember was January 9th 2011. We did not spoke to each other for more than two months. Thankfully, things changed after that. We are good, very good friends now.
I have no idea why this all has to happen to me only. I know I am bad at a lot of things, but I have a good side too. People call me stubborn, egoistic and arrogant, which I am may be. But, I try my best not to let these things disturb my other relationships. What all bad that happens to my circle-of-friends is what I never wished for. It just happened. And yes, I never got an intuition of that.
One thing which is turning sour now is my relationship with my girlfriend. She has been an amazing girlfriend and continues to be same. Thankfully she is understating and is not nagging at all. I love her and there is no doubt about it. But, for some reasons we are now losing that spark in our relationship and this time I know that I can be blamed. She may think that I do not love her anymore which is not the case. I still lover her, but sparing time for her is what I am unable to do currently. She continues to support me even in this situation but, what I know is that there is an extent of supporting somebody. One cannot do it for whole life. I fear if things will worsen between us. I obviously do not want that.
As I mentioned earlier that I am an introvert, but, there is one thing I NOW pat my back for. I think I am now an ambivert person. Unlike earlier, I know try to make friends and some or other way I have been successful in doing that. I may not go to speak to everybody I meet and be friend to them but, I try to make the maximum out of it. Among them is my namesake, he works with me. I cannot even tell you how similiar our thoughts are sometime. I call him my alter-ego. In him I see friend to open my heart with. We would sometime ride on NH-8, stop nearby IGI runway and talk, talk about everything that bothers us.
There are other people at my workplace whom I cherish to call friends. We talk, we laugh, we share and all that we can do. Among everyone their is this girl, she is such an adorable child. When she smiles, other things can wait. I call her ‘Marla Singer’ with us we also have an engineer, she is good, very good. The best part about her is that she has not killed me yet for all that I said to her .(..and may be now she is writing an SMS to somebody “he blogged about me” ). Maybe we all stay together.
Two more people, I’ve been friends with since my school time is what now disturbs me more. We were good, so good. But, now we are just “we”. Things are now turning to be sour among us. Here I can say that I am the one who is supposed to be blamed. First thing : I forget one of my friends birthday. Second: I hardly get time to meet them. They would always ask to come to meet but, my office does not allow me that kind of time and freedom. They both are into business, managing time for them is far easier than I. I obviously do not want to have another set of “they were my friends” tag. I try to do all I can but, I fail badly.
….Once a Loner, always a Loner. Epic Fall. And to hide everything in me all I do is “walk alone in dark”
(Completed writing on the midnight-stroke of January 9th and 10th 2013 )